Sunday, August 14, 2011

"It's going to be Ritchie..."

Welcome to Seasons 6 & 7 of "The West Wing," brought to you by real life politics.

Prediction: Barring some major political derailment like a tawdry sex scandal, Rick Perry's going to nab the Republican nomination. And he'll do it for all the politically incorrect reasons.

He's a ruggedly handsome older white man, fatherly and reassuring in stature with a mild downhome accent. He's the anti-Obama, devoid of any semblance of the intellectual elitism that conservatives list as one of Obama's faults...as if being smart was a bad thing. And let's face it, racism is still alive and well and, in some backwoods areas, thriving. Can you think of a more quintessentially white man stereotype than Rick Perry? He's the fucking Marlboro Man!

Sure, there are other anti-Obama-ites in the Republican line-up, white persons one and all...well, except Herman Cain but he's already identified himself, in my eyes, as a hypocritical douchebag for his hardline stances against Islam and Sharia Law. It's always a bit shocking to me when such sincere bias comes from a member of a different minority.

Speaking of which, Rick Santorum...he's a tiny minority all his own...he's going to be the next Tim Pawlenty. Poor frothy fecal matter (Google his name.)...you're just not gettin' any political traction, are you?

Michelle Bachmann just won the Ames Straw Poll, taking in something like 23% of the vote, followed in close second by our favorite libertarian, Ron Paul. Well played, yes, but Michelle's not going to nab it, I don't think, because...well, were do I begin? She's too far Right for her own party's nomination. She lacks the executive experience. How about her pesky habit of referencing historical events out of context and saying things that are just not true. Oh, and you had better bet that this pesky "Pray Away the Gay" counseling bullshit WILL be an issue. (Marcus, honey...if you could come out sooner than later, dear...that would really help us all, don't you think, hmm?)

OH...and Ronnie! Good ol' Ron Paul. Good showing in Ames, he did...but he's not going to win the nomination, either. You know why? He's too libertarian for the whole country. Not that I would necessarily be opposed to a Libertarian President but I think the country wouldn't go for it. But then how did he do so well n the straw poll? Listen, straw polls are a lot like the first round of voting in French Presidential elections. There are so many candidates from the entire political spectrum that the People can vote their conscience. The main parties still garner the majority of votes but the smaller parties sometimes have a good showing. Not too terribly long ago, the far-right party of France, due to the general disgruntlement of all the people, was able to sneak their leader, Jean-Marie Le Pen, into the second round of elections. This, of course, had the obvious effect of guaranteeing the reelection of Jacques Chirac for the simple reason that, though many people share Le Pen's extreme xenophobic-isolationist sentiments, no one would say he was fit to lead the whole damn country. So it is with Ron Paul.

Rick Perry...southern, down-home charm. A gentleman, a Man of God. Bingo! This...this is what the evangelical wing of the Republican Party was missing and waiting for with baited breath. A God-Fearing Man of the People. Sure, Bachmann is Jesus-carzy, too...but she's also just fuckin' crazy. Rick Perry seems...sane, sensible, thoughtful and compassionate. He recently led a prayer meeting called "The Response" which pulled in an estimated 30,000 participants. He wants to lead by Biblical Law...which is what makes their opposition to Sharia Law so ridiculous. But I'd bet evangelicals are having a collective Jesus-gasm...finally, someone we can get behind without the embarrassment.

You mentioned embarrassment? What about Sarah Palin? Her fuckin' balloon's got a hole in it and whether she realizes it or not, she's losin' air fast. Make up your fuckin' mind, seriously...you look like a reluctant child tip-toeing around the pool, not sure if the water's warm enough for you to swim in it. Mama bear, my ass. But, yeah, Palin's a Jesus nut, too...but, man...she's got baggage, now. She's going to be the mosquito in the Election's ear...ever-present, popping in and out with her annoying, high-pitch "you betcha-hopey-changey" buzzing, the one you're going to want to smack down before too long. I think she likes the sidelines. I think she knows she lacks the leadership abilities and, quite frankly, it's easier and safer to simply butt-in to political conversations, say a few things (which will be either dumb, factually incorrect or self-absorbed), then duck back out again. C'mon, people...she couldn't even finish out one term as Governor of Alaska. I venture to say she has very little sense of civic responsibility; had she had more, she would have fulfilled her obligation to the People of the State of Alaska. Instead, she resigned, realizing she could rake in tens of thousands of dollars just by showing up, smiling, saying more generic political slogans and platitudes, shaking hands, kissing babies and, just generally, irritating people.

But the Tea Nuts, they looooove her, which is precisely what scares me about them. They say Obama's a narcissist; I think it's the pots calling Mr. Kettle...narcissistic. And while we're talking about narcissism, let us also talk a bit about racism because (WARNING: Gross generalization not meant to be taken literally) the Tea Party has no black people. (And a silence fell across the room...) Perhaps not literally, true...but their rallies are a testament to the white bread establishment. Obama is a "black president" and there are many people, both in the general population and also in Congress, for whom this is ample and sufficient grounds for wanting him out.

Mitch McConnell, you look like Jesse Helms...that's all I'm sayin'!

It's going to be Rick Perry. It's going to be Seasons 6 and 7 of "The West Wing" all over again, when President Bartlet went up against the Republican nominee, Governor of Florida, Rob Ritchie (played excellently by James Brolin). And I don't think it's going to be as easy as trouncing the opponent in one televised debate. So I say, let Obama be Obama. Sure, I don't like everything he's done and I don't view him as a very strong leader...but the reality is that he's better than anything they're going to throw out, so...

Game on, boyfriend! Let's step it up, Mr. President!

(Or...I could just be full of shit because it's really too close to tell anything and I'm just blowing smoke outta my ears. Meh...*shrug*)

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