Young Christian Soldier

...is one thing I am most resoundingly not.

True story:

I walk into my gym tonight and go downstairs to the locker room to change for my workout ('cuz being this beautiful is really, really hard). When I walk in, there are already two guys there: one shirtless, younger; the other in nothing but a jock, older, maybe in his late 40s. The young guy is just mentioning that his middle name is Michael. I don't know why...now hush!

"Oh yeah," says the older guy. "I've got a story about Michael that'll flip your lid, man."

"Huh?" The younger guys furrows his brow, clearly not understanding.

"Yeah, Michael...you know, the archangel? Yeah, man...check this! When I was just a young Christian soldier, I was partying one weekend in Salem, Missouri and one night I went down to the river and I challenged all the demons. I challenged all the demons and spirits in Salem, Missouri. I said, 'C'mon then!'

"And man, suddenly, I felt weighed down and I hard a hard time breathing. Oh, man...it was intense! I was choking and could barely speak but I eeked out, 'Call Michael...call...Michael!' and BAM! It was over...just like that. I tell you what...man, that Michael...he's something else, huh?"

The younger guy, all the while the story is being told, is collecting his things and getting dressed. Whether he purposefully timed it or maybe it was a matter of luck and happenstance, but he was ready to go by the time the older guy had finished.

"Wow, that's crazy, man. Well...have a good workout!" and he split.

The older guy and I conducted ourselves in silence for a couple of minutes, all the while I'm thinking one overpowering thought. It wasn't that he was crazy or that he had probably been on drugs at the time (...okay, there was that, too...) but the one, overriding thought that I almost...almost vocalized was:

"What the hell made you think you could take on all the demons and spirits in Salem, Missouri?"

And there you have it. True story.

Because no matter your faith or lack thereof, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Pagan, Indefinite Spirituality With No Definite God Or Goddess Figure (or just Other)...I think we can all agree that challenging all the demons and spirits in any one location is probably, decidedly not a great idea.

Though, apparently, if you're a young, Christian soldier, you can call on Michael the Archangel to help you. No guarantee he'll show, though. Best probably to avoid spirit challenges altogether...unless you're a professional skilled in this sort of work, of course. In these tough economic times, I wouldn't want to be viewed as a "job-crusher." (Boehner, I'm looking at you, you Cheetos douchebag.)